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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?