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I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
awesome collection!
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.