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My gift horse is facing the wrong way
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.