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Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.