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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..