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I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.