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Who do Walmart shoppers make fun of?
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.