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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.