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Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
My life is just one long improvisation.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?