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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.