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Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
am I the only one who would beat the sh!t out of someone for wearing a "forever lazy" to a tailgate?