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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
No one has ever been in an empty room.
I`d hit that. - women drivers
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait