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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.