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I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, "How could you do this to me" and then runs off crying?
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.