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is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
I think my guardian angel drinks.
I give myself the best presents.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"