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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
For Christmas I just want summer...
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun...
"Dean, what are you doing this weekend?"
"That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should."
"But what are you doing?"
"What I`m g
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.
Starbucks isn`t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria`s Secret charges per cup.