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In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.
If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels