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Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
There is no time to check time