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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.