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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.