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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
French people give me the crepes.
No I don`t think you`re stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking
The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.