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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.