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Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!