Daily Silly Status

I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.

Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?

I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.

I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.

Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.

I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.

The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.

Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.

Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..

Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.

I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.

Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.