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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.