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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
I started to question my sanity this morning, It told me to "Shut up and chew through the straps....). I was free by noon......Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.