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Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
My internet addiction is getting alt of ctl.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?