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Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
( )( ) =( `-` )= <( . )> ("`)("`) bunny!!
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
I`ve got worms !!!! ......... worms in me garden
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business