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What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
stupidity is a privelege entitled to everyone but you my dear are abusing this right
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.