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Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area.
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.