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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener