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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
Reincarnation is my only hope.
If nobody comes from the future to stop you, how bad can the decision really be?