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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...