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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Eat breakfast: Check...Pay Phone: Check...Conquer the world: Still Pending...
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.