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Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.