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Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
I think I’m allergic to mornings.
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.