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They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
The Easter Bunny doesn`t always drink, but when he does I bet it`s hopscotch.
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
LOQ "Laugh Out Quietly" because LOL is giving me a headache
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
My life is based on a true story
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.