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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?