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Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.