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Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.