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My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.