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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything?
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I`m not a shopaholic.
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area.
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread