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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?