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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
Will be drunk until further notice.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.