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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.