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I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours