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I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because Iām a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
My advise to all the young people out there, "Do not grow up; it`s a trap!!"
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me