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When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
i wasnt tht drunk u was holding a ballon thinking it was a comdom
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.