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Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.