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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I`ll kill you all.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......