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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.