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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
One trenta cheeseburger please.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
"I get knocked down, but I get up again, You`re never gonna keep me down" ~Bowling pins
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF