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It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
At the end of the day, it`s 11:59pm.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...