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I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.