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My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!