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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.