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I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5