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"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.