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You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.