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Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
Going to: ? Paris ? New York ? London ? KITCHEN... I`m hungry
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"