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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
Stop saying `all the men are the same` who told you to try them all..WHORE!!?¿
is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."