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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
I get so tired of the same old BS...can´t I get a little BS variety?
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.