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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
The songs I like always come on when Iām supposed to be getting out of my car.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.