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Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!