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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
The problem with you is ... you exist.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...