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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
So I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart a$$.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
Mirror mirror on the wall, I am sexy; screw you all.