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I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.