Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
God is creative... I mean look at me??
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know